Trapped

No other way to describe what I am, trapped. Trapped by money, loyalties, values; completely trapped. Being the wife of a bipolar man is getting to be unbearable. I want out, I want to run away and never come back. I've recently for the first time let those words leave my lips, it felt good and painful. The effort involved to maintain the image of a "good happy family" is killing me, slowly. I'm suffering, my kids are suffering, and I'm slowly loosing all respect for myself. I hate myself for staying, I hate myself for wanting to leave, I hate myself for having no way to keep my home by myself. If only I had an escape, a way to get out, somewhere to go, but, I have none of these things. I'm trapped. Just getting these words out is opening all the doors I've shut in my heart and mind, it's making me physically shake. Whenever he does something, I've taken on the motto of my dad (who was also stuck in a terrible marriage to my mother until he had a nervous breakdown), "if you can do nothing about it, let it go". Only I don't seem to let it go, I swallow it, like some horrible poison and it is eating me alive. I keep it buried so I don't have to deal with it, but it's so close to the surface sometimes that I can't control it. Sometimes I can't remain quiet, sometimes I react. When that happens, it's frightening. The things he's done to me, the things my kids have seen him do to me, none of it is right. I daydream about asking for help, but in reality, I have no one to ask. I have no one to be 100% honest with. No one knows the extent of the situation, if they did I'm worried they'd hate me for tolerating it. I am tired, I've lost all hope for happiness, all hope for myself.