Having no emotional support at home has lead me to look elsewhere for emotional companionship. I have a friend that I've know since I was about twelve and I still speak to him often. When I married the husband, I wondered if this friend and I would still have the relationship we'd always had. Open, 100% honest, and above all kind. Having a bipolar husband has been a lonely road at times. Knowing that I can't share my honest opinions, hopes, and fears is a sad reality. I'm always guarded with the husband, I have to always be sure to keep my opinions even and my outward behavior calm. Inside, I'm usually screaming or crying. Throughout the past 20 years of dating/marriage with the husband, my friend has been the rock that I cry on, the voice of reason in my cluttered head. He's the person to comfort me when the crushing weight of yet another episode has ruined my world. He picks me up, brushes me off, and listens to my endless and repetitive cries and worries. Lately I've not been talking to my friend very often, I've tried to not rely on him so much. He's recently gotten engaged, and while I'm happy for him, I fear my rock will be leaving. I'm not sure how things between us will evolve once he's been married. His future wife doesn't know I exist (it's VERY complicated), so the little time we spend together will be even more restricted.
I can't help but wish I were married to him. While I love the husband with my entire heart, I want someone to be 100% myself with. The only person in my world that has given this to me is my friend. I love him too, but in a very different, unguarded way. He's never hurt me, never lied to me, never given me a reason to be "fake". The choices made at times seem so simple, but after years of reflection, were very poor decisions indeed!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Daily whatever
Not sure what to write about, so much beating around in my brain. Life with the husband has been relatively quiet. Thank You God! I think I'm slowly learning to deal with his condition better. Finally realizing that it's not me he's angry or aggravated at has helped. Learning to not take his silence or moodiness personally has helped too. I'm a very serious person by nature, so learning to be lighter and let things slid off my back has been hard.
Life has been crazy, having two school age children and a bipolar husband is challenging at times. My son has has a hard time concentraiting and getting homework done in a timely manner often creates problems. The husband doesn't always deal with this nightly ritual well. He sometimes get very aggravated and short tempered or will just add to the problem by playing video games and messing with the Internet while my son and I are trying to get the work done. This distracts my son and makes it harder on me to get him to pay attention. Then the husband gets angry when I ask him to turn the games off or the computer. UGH, I feel like I'm at constant odds with one of them. My poor sweet daughter is usually left to play with her toys and has learned it's better to stay out of the kitchen entirely during all of this.
Life has been crazy, having two school age children and a bipolar husband is challenging at times. My son has has a hard time concentraiting and getting homework done in a timely manner often creates problems. The husband doesn't always deal with this nightly ritual well. He sometimes get very aggravated and short tempered or will just add to the problem by playing video games and messing with the Internet while my son and I are trying to get the work done. This distracts my son and makes it harder on me to get him to pay attention. Then the husband gets angry when I ask him to turn the games off or the computer. UGH, I feel like I'm at constant odds with one of them. My poor sweet daughter is usually left to play with her toys and has learned it's better to stay out of the kitchen entirely during all of this.
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