"Friends"

Having no emotional support at home has lead me to look elsewhere for emotional companionship. I have a friend that I've know since I was about twelve and I still speak to him often. When I married the husband, I wondered if this friend and I would still have the relationship we'd always had. Open, 100% honest, and above all kind. Having a bipolar husband has been a lonely road at times. Knowing that I can't share my honest opinions, hopes, and fears is a sad reality. I'm always guarded with the husband, I have to always be sure to keep my opinions even and my outward behavior calm. Inside, I'm usually screaming or crying. Throughout the past 20 years of dating/marriage with the husband, my friend has been the rock that I cry on, the voice of reason in my cluttered head. He's the person to comfort me when the crushing weight of yet another episode has ruined my world. He picks me up, brushes me off, and listens to my endless and repetitive cries and worries. Lately I've not been talking to my friend very often, I've tried to not rely on him so much. He's recently gotten engaged, and while I'm happy for him, I fear my rock will be leaving. I'm not sure how things between us will evolve once he's been married. His future wife doesn't know I exist (it's VERY complicated), so the little time we spend together will be even more restricted.

I can't help but wish I were married to him. While I love the husband with my entire heart, I want someone to be 100% myself with. The only person in my world that has given this to me is my friend. I love him too, but in a very different, unguarded way. He's never hurt me, never lied to me, never given me a reason to be "fake". The choices made at times seem so simple, but after years of reflection, were very poor decisions indeed!