My life is like the movie Groundhog Day. Always the same series of events: calm, angry, episode, depressed; repeat endlessly. My life is so determined by the mood of my husband that I don't even feel like I exist anymore. I feel forgotten and overlooked. The never ending cycles have made it difficult to even confide in family or friends. I'm sick of living it, but I'm sure they're also sick and tired of hearing about it from me. It seems like I've been slowly distancing myself from people, shutting them out. It's so much easier to lie and say that things are fine and normal. That's truly what they want to hear anyway, and I don't blame them, that's what I want to be living. I hate myself more and more as the days turn into months and years and I'm still in the same situation. Nothing ever changes, other then just getting worse. I look at my children and feel horrible hatred for myself for the childhood they are experiencing. If I take them and leave (not that I even have a place to go) I will not have enough money to care for them, and staying where I am, well, that really is the only choice I have. I try to find stolen moments to let my heart feel their joy, laying in bed before they fall asleep and listening to their stories and their thoughts, watching them play with their friends, listening to them laugh together and play. Shielding them from the truth is getting to be almost impossible, my son is old enough to notice his fathers mood swings, and my daughter has a strange way of knowing when her father's about to get angry. I thank God for the strength that keeps me calm in 99% of these angry times, I have learned to swallow the hatred and leave the pain for God to handle. I truly hope that my children know how much I love them, and how much I try to protect them. I also thank God that his hatred is only directed at me, and I hope that my children listen to me when I explain that is not how a father should be.
My children attends a very nice school, and at this school I have meant a few parents that seem to be very nice. One set in particular, seem to be very pleasant and seem to want to be better friends. They've invited us to their home and to various activities. Sadly I cannot bring myself to accept this friendship, I am too afraid they may someday find out about my husband. I don't want my sons friends to ever know what his father is like (none have ever been to the house from school). The only friends we have are lifelong, and have know my husband and I since childhood. I guess knowing us this long has made his condition easier for them to accept, since none of them have walked away from us. I'm very sad that I can't embrace this new friendship, it's painful to have to keep my heart so tightly closed.
Lord, if you can hear me, please, please help me
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