Never enough

The years of praying and hoping for a better life have finally paid off. I have all the things I've prayed for. The husband has become the man that I knew he could, if he were to concur his bi polar demons. I have not however found the peace I though would accompany this change. I am so restless and deeply unsettled. I am constantly looking for other people's support and attention. I've prayed to find a way to believe that his love and attention are true and that I could somehow learn to trust it again. Sadly this has not happened. Realizing that it's fear that is stopping this from happening is very difficult. I do not know how to concur this, how to deal with this. I keep looking outside of my marriage for reassurance. Assurance that I'm alive, that I can feel something that's not been beaten and bruised. I need something pure. I can't find it. It's so sad to realize that the time I've invested to fix my marriage has done nothing but waste time. Apparently I can not be fixed, my heart can not heal what has happened to it. I thought time would eventually show me some relief, some sign of hope. All I've found is a clearer picture of my wounded self; broken, unfixable, and unwanted. My heart cries out for a man to love me, for a man that hasn't beaten me to submission. I want a friend, a lover, a companion, someone to TRUST. Maybe if I keep pouring my heart out to God he'll show me a way to that man?? I hope for this, but it goes against everything that is God. I promised to love the man I married, to stand by him. Maybe God will heal my heart, or maybe he'll realize that I've tried, and I've failed. Failed miserably!!

Lord, I want to love him and to trust him. Looking at him only reminds me of the scars, the weight I carry, and my own failures. Please help me to see love and trust again, to feel happy and satisfied. I beg you lord, help me.

Fear

A lifetime ago you walked away
unannounced and sudden
the crack you left behind
deep, wide and raw

reemerged, reappeared, replayed
hope, faith and love
all tried again
restored but not forgotten or healed

years of smiles and cries
build up and conceal the void
still as raw and sore
as that day a life time ago

fear seeps through drip by drip
a constant reminder of goodbye
hope, faith and love
never enough to seal the holes