The years of praying and hoping for a better life have finally paid off. I have all the things I've prayed for. The husband has become the man that I knew he could, if he were to concur his bi polar demons. I have not however found the peace I though would accompany this change. I am so restless and deeply unsettled. I am constantly looking for other people's support and attention. I've prayed to find a way to believe that his love and attention are true and that I could somehow learn to trust it again. Sadly this has not happened. Realizing that it's fear that is stopping this from happening is very difficult. I do not know how to concur this, how to deal with this. I keep looking outside of my marriage for reassurance. Assurance that I'm alive, that I can feel something that's not been beaten and bruised. I need something pure. I can't find it. It's so sad to realize that the time I've invested to fix my marriage has done nothing but waste time. Apparently I can not be fixed, my heart can not heal what has happened to it. I thought time would eventually show me some relief, some sign of hope. All I've found is a clearer picture of my wounded self; broken, unfixable, and unwanted. My heart cries out for a man to love me, for a man that hasn't beaten me to submission. I want a friend, a lover, a companion, someone to TRUST. Maybe if I keep pouring my heart out to God he'll show me a way to that man?? I hope for this, but it goes against everything that is God. I promised to love the man I married, to stand by him. Maybe God will heal my heart, or maybe he'll realize that I've tried, and I've failed. Failed miserably!!
Lord, I want to love him and to trust him. Looking at him only reminds me of the scars, the weight I carry, and my own failures. Please help me to see love and trust again, to feel happy and satisfied. I beg you lord, help me.
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