Faith

As I've said before I am a religious person, but I don't feel that I'm a very good one. I believe in God, and pray to God, but in my heart I fear that God hates me. At Mass I listen to Preist talk about God's love and the forgiveness of sins, but I've never been able to feel that applies to me. I'm a repeat sinner, which I think is the worst kind. I sin, feel really bad about it, pray and ask for forgiveness, but then I do it again. What is wrong with me? Why can't I seem to learn from my mistakes? I so badly want to be a better person, I want to make the "right" decisions. My heart seems to hold so much hatred and pain, I doubt God could heal it if he wanted to. I've swallowed so many painful feeling and crushing heartbreak that it's burned holes in my heart. Not having the ability to deal with past feeling and knowing the husband refuses to talk through them, makes my hurt a constant presence. Deep down I truly believe that if he would just openly apologize for the things he's done I could forgive him and hopefully let my heart heal, but he's made it clear that this will never happen. I can only assume that this pain is what leads to my sinfulness, I feel a deep uncontrollable need to secretly hurt him back. Every time I sin against him, I feel a satisfying sense of revenge. I know whole heartily that this is NOT how God wants me to be, and I feel very guilty for it.

At Mass I usually feel like a fraud; like I don't belong. A huge part of me wants to throw myself upon the alter and cry and beg for God to take this pain in my heart away. Sitting in the pew I always feel a huge sense of warmth, I know God is present there, and it's such a comfort. I pray that God would allow me to absorb this warmth and keep it with me always, but it never lasts. I know none of this will change until I can change, but i have no idea how to do it.