I heard from him today, now he's back to the front of my mind. It's taken me weeks to get him to the back, and now, all that work was for nothing. As time passes the immediate lights that were on have dimmed, some have faded completely. I've tried to tell myself to love who I promised to, be faithful, loyal. All of those things are easy when the husband is his "normal" self, but as soon as his demons start to show, my heart and brain wonder to a happier place. It's not right, it's not what I want, but that is what's happening. It's hard to not let my mind go. When I'm lonely and feel unwanted, I can't blame myself for thinking of happier moments. Not all of them involve my unfaithfulness, but most do. I have so many wonderful moments to think of with the husband, but along with those come the crushing reality that he will never be stable, that every happy moment will ultimately end in equally sad and lonely ones.
I think of D often, and of the things he had said he's looking for. Happiness, family, companionship, and love. All things that everyone wants, all things that should easily come together. He has none of them, and I outwardly have them all. Inside, truthfully, I have only pieces of each. Each of these things are put together like a puzzle, each needing all of their pieces to provide the ultimate prize. Each of my puzzles are missing pieces; some, are missing more then one. It's hard to make sense of all this and try to settle myself into thinking that no one has all of the right pieces. I just want my puzzle to be more complete, even if all the corners don't completely line up or some of the picture is missing. Most of all, I want someone to envision and care for their puzzle as much as I do mine.
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