Torn pt. 1

My mind is in a constant state of change. One day I'm content, the next, restless and anxious.

Today, I'm restless. Today, all I can think of is someone I shouldn't allow to enter my head. I feel guilty, foolish and stupid. It's been over a month since I touched him, smelled him, held him. Before that, the sixteen year absence seems nonexistent. The warmth and happiness that came from our faces that night are unforgettable. The desperate want to be loved and touched was everywhere, all around and in us. I can't remember why or how I leaned in to him, only the sparks that lit the dark hidden parts of my heart. The parts I've hidden away, the few pieces I've managed to save, they now long and ache for him. Watching the road ahead, knowing at the end of it, the same shell I've hidden in is waiting for me. In that moment, when I allowed the hatred to enter again, he put his hand gently on my head, stroked my hair, and smiled with those infectious lips. The cold dark lonely places within me came alive, every possible crevice was lit and in love with life again. His hand felt like pure bliss; unjaded and untainted by life's cruelness.

Putting my toe in another pool

hummm, where to begin...

I had a crush in high school, a huge crush actually on a guy in my Junior and Senior years. I sat next to him in classes and I drove him to and from school. We were very good friends, but nothing ever came of it. I went to see him a few weeks before I got married, I knew at the time that the husband wasn't going to be an easy road, and I had hoped he would have stopped me. But, he didn't.

Fast forward 16 years. One afternoon on fb I was chatting with a friend about plans for the night. Up pops a chat window from this old friend. I'd friended him on fb months ago, but never had a conversation other then hi, how are you. I knew he had recently broken up with his girlfriend from the posts on his wall. Anyway, the message sent was asking me what I was doing and what I was doing that evening. After a short chat, I had agreed to pick him up at his house and he could come out with my friend and I.

I was nervous to see him after so long. He looked exactly as I'd remembered him; handsome, strong and still possessed a smile that could instantly melt my heart.

Same old story

My life is like the movie Groundhog Day. Always the same series of events: calm, angry, episode, depressed; repeat endlessly. My life is so determined by the mood of my husband that I don't even feel like I exist anymore. I feel forgotten and overlooked. The never ending cycles have made it difficult to even confide in family or friends. I'm sick of living it, but I'm sure they're also sick and tired of hearing about it from me. It seems like I've been slowly distancing myself from people, shutting them out. It's so much easier to lie and say that things are fine and normal. That's truly what they want to hear anyway, and I don't blame them, that's what I want to be living. I hate myself more and more as the days turn into months and years and I'm still in the same situation. Nothing ever changes, other then just getting worse. I look at my children and feel horrible hatred for myself for the childhood they are experiencing. If I take them and leave (not that I even have a place to go) I will not have enough money to care for them, and staying where I am, well, that really is the only choice I have. I try to find stolen moments to let my heart feel their joy, laying in bed before they fall asleep and listening to their stories and their thoughts, watching them play with their friends, listening to them laugh together and play. Shielding them from the truth is getting to be almost impossible, my son is old enough to notice his fathers mood swings, and my daughter has a strange way of knowing when her father's about to get angry. I thank God for the strength that keeps me calm in 99% of these angry times, I have learned to swallow the hatred and leave the pain for God to handle. I truly hope that my children know how much I love them, and how much I try to protect them. I also thank God that his hatred is only directed at me, and I hope that my children listen to me when I explain that is not how a father should be.

My children attends a very nice school, and at this school I have meant a few parents that seem to be very nice. One set in particular, seem to be very pleasant and seem to want to be better friends. They've invited us to their home and to various activities. Sadly I cannot bring myself to accept this friendship, I am too afraid they may someday find out about my husband. I don't want my sons friends to ever know what his father is like (none have ever been to the house from school). The only friends we have are lifelong, and have know my husband and I since childhood. I guess knowing us this long has made his condition easier for them to accept, since none of them have walked away from us. I'm very sad that I can't embrace this new friendship, it's painful to have to keep my heart so tightly closed.

Lord, if you can hear me, please, please help me

Trapped

No other way to describe what I am, trapped. Trapped by money, loyalties, values; completely trapped. Being the wife of a bipolar man is getting to be unbearable. I want out, I want to run away and never come back. I've recently for the first time let those words leave my lips, it felt good and painful. The effort involved to maintain the image of a "good happy family" is killing me, slowly. I'm suffering, my kids are suffering, and I'm slowly loosing all respect for myself. I hate myself for staying, I hate myself for wanting to leave, I hate myself for having no way to keep my home by myself. If only I had an escape, a way to get out, somewhere to go, but, I have none of these things. I'm trapped. Just getting these words out is opening all the doors I've shut in my heart and mind, it's making me physically shake. Whenever he does something, I've taken on the motto of my dad (who was also stuck in a terrible marriage to my mother until he had a nervous breakdown), "if you can do nothing about it, let it go". Only I don't seem to let it go, I swallow it, like some horrible poison and it is eating me alive. I keep it buried so I don't have to deal with it, but it's so close to the surface sometimes that I can't control it. Sometimes I can't remain quiet, sometimes I react. When that happens, it's frightening. The things he's done to me, the things my kids have seen him do to me, none of it is right. I daydream about asking for help, but in reality, I have no one to ask. I have no one to be 100% honest with. No one knows the extent of the situation, if they did I'm worried they'd hate me for tolerating it. I am tired, I've lost all hope for happiness, all hope for myself.

"Friends"

Having no emotional support at home has lead me to look elsewhere for emotional companionship. I have a friend that I've know since I was about twelve and I still speak to him often. When I married the husband, I wondered if this friend and I would still have the relationship we'd always had. Open, 100% honest, and above all kind. Having a bipolar husband has been a lonely road at times. Knowing that I can't share my honest opinions, hopes, and fears is a sad reality. I'm always guarded with the husband, I have to always be sure to keep my opinions even and my outward behavior calm. Inside, I'm usually screaming or crying. Throughout the past 20 years of dating/marriage with the husband, my friend has been the rock that I cry on, the voice of reason in my cluttered head. He's the person to comfort me when the crushing weight of yet another episode has ruined my world. He picks me up, brushes me off, and listens to my endless and repetitive cries and worries. Lately I've not been talking to my friend very often, I've tried to not rely on him so much. He's recently gotten engaged, and while I'm happy for him, I fear my rock will be leaving. I'm not sure how things between us will evolve once he's been married. His future wife doesn't know I exist (it's VERY complicated), so the little time we spend together will be even more restricted.

I can't help but wish I were married to him. While I love the husband with my entire heart, I want someone to be 100% myself with. The only person in my world that has given this to me is my friend. I love him too, but in a very different, unguarded way. He's never hurt me, never lied to me, never given me a reason to be "fake". The choices made at times seem so simple, but after years of reflection, were very poor decisions indeed!

Daily whatever

Not sure what to write about, so much beating around in my brain. Life with the husband has been relatively quiet. Thank You God! I think I'm slowly learning to deal with his condition better. Finally realizing that it's not me he's angry or aggravated at has helped. Learning to not take his silence or moodiness personally has helped too. I'm a very serious person by nature, so learning to be lighter and let things slid off my back has been hard.

Life has been crazy, having two school age children and a bipolar husband is challenging at times. My son has has a hard time concentraiting and getting homework done in a timely manner often creates problems. The husband doesn't always deal with this nightly ritual well. He sometimes get very aggravated and short tempered or will just add to the problem by playing video games and messing with the Internet while my son and I are trying to get the work done. This distracts my son and makes it harder on me to get him to pay attention. Then the husband gets angry when I ask him to turn the games off or the computer. UGH, I feel like I'm at constant odds with one of them. My poor sweet daughter is usually left to play with her toys and has learned it's better to stay out of the kitchen entirely during all of this.

MONEY, how I hate you!!

Money seems to be the source of so much stress and upset in our household. The husband is a spender, and I'm more of a saver (although, not a good one). We make a decent living, but we live paycheck to paycheck. While we do not have a large amount of debt, we do not have anything left to save or help pay down the debt we have.

The husband likes to spend on "little things". A new shirt, cigarettes, stops at convenience stores, but, these things add up quickly. The husband has been off his medicine for a few months now, and it has gone pretty well more or less. We need to have a serious discussion about his/our spending, but I'm afraid it may trigger an episode. Trying to find the "right" time to bring this up is difficult, trying to find the "right" words is also hard. I can never refer to anything in an accusatory tone or he instantly goes on the defensive. Not that this is all him, but it is about 80%. It's strange to me how intertwined money and his mental health are. If our money situation is okay, he's okay, if it's bad, he's really bad.

Lord, give me the strength and the words to make it through this. I have to find a way to have more control or everything will go to hell.