Had lunch with D yesterday. It was wonderful. And, I feel guilty. It was just lunch, nothing inappropriate, but it was SO good to see him. He looked nice! I was very nervous and I could tell he was too. We've not seen each other since August, since the "incident". I've missed him.
The husband has been very normal lately, and I feel guilty for seeing D. D's made it clear that an intimate relationship isn't acceptable, but that being friends would be nice. I'm okay with this, and honestly it's the most moral choice. BUT, I do long for his attention and his want. I know how wrong it is, but to have someone want to be with me is nice. The husband really shows no signs of interest or affection, and I miss that feeling.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Quiet
Life has been surprisingly quiet in the last few weeks. The husband has been in an awesome mood. I've not seem him like this since before our son was born almost ten years ago. It has been HEAVEN! We're done a lot of family things, done a lot around the house, and just basically enjoyed being together. He's not been on any meds, so I can't figure out what has caused this shift in behavior. Regardless of why or how, I'm SO glad he's been this way.
On the other side, I've not been doing so well with this change. While I'm incredibly happy, I just keep waiting for the "old" him to come back. It seems like I've been holding my breath for weeks and once I let it out, all of these emotions and fears have started to surface. I've had a few panic attacks, have experienced nightmares on a regular basis, and find myself very teary at the silliest of things. I'm no doctor, but my guess is that holding so many things in and constantly being on guard for the better part of the last ten years has left me not knowing how to deal with a calm existence.
I can only hope that his calm mood continues and that after a while my mind will also calm down and we can try to live a "real" happy family life. Oh what a wonderful thought that is, I truly hope it comes true!!
On the other side, I've not been doing so well with this change. While I'm incredibly happy, I just keep waiting for the "old" him to come back. It seems like I've been holding my breath for weeks and once I let it out, all of these emotions and fears have started to surface. I've had a few panic attacks, have experienced nightmares on a regular basis, and find myself very teary at the silliest of things. I'm no doctor, but my guess is that holding so many things in and constantly being on guard for the better part of the last ten years has left me not knowing how to deal with a calm existence.
I can only hope that his calm mood continues and that after a while my mind will also calm down and we can try to live a "real" happy family life. Oh what a wonderful thought that is, I truly hope it comes true!!
Friday, October 14, 2011
Faith
As I've said before I am a religious person, but I don't feel that I'm a very good one. I believe in God, and pray to God, but in my heart I fear that God hates me. At Mass I listen to Preist talk about God's love and the forgiveness of sins, but I've never been able to feel that applies to me. I'm a repeat sinner, which I think is the worst kind. I sin, feel really bad about it, pray and ask for forgiveness, but then I do it again. What is wrong with me? Why can't I seem to learn from my mistakes? I so badly want to be a better person, I want to make the "right" decisions. My heart seems to hold so much hatred and pain, I doubt God could heal it if he wanted to. I've swallowed so many painful feeling and crushing heartbreak that it's burned holes in my heart. Not having the ability to deal with past feeling and knowing the husband refuses to talk through them, makes my hurt a constant presence. Deep down I truly believe that if he would just openly apologize for the things he's done I could forgive him and hopefully let my heart heal, but he's made it clear that this will never happen. I can only assume that this pain is what leads to my sinfulness, I feel a deep uncontrollable need to secretly hurt him back. Every time I sin against him, I feel a satisfying sense of revenge. I know whole heartily that this is NOT how God wants me to be, and I feel very guilty for it.
At Mass I usually feel like a fraud; like I don't belong. A huge part of me wants to throw myself upon the alter and cry and beg for God to take this pain in my heart away. Sitting in the pew I always feel a huge sense of warmth, I know God is present there, and it's such a comfort. I pray that God would allow me to absorb this warmth and keep it with me always, but it never lasts. I know none of this will change until I can change, but i have no idea how to do it.
At Mass I usually feel like a fraud; like I don't belong. A huge part of me wants to throw myself upon the alter and cry and beg for God to take this pain in my heart away. Sitting in the pew I always feel a huge sense of warmth, I know God is present there, and it's such a comfort. I pray that God would allow me to absorb this warmth and keep it with me always, but it never lasts. I know none of this will change until I can change, but i have no idea how to do it.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Torn pt. 2
I heard from him today, now he's back to the front of my mind. It's taken me weeks to get him to the back, and now, all that work was for nothing. As time passes the immediate lights that were on have dimmed, some have faded completely. I've tried to tell myself to love who I promised to, be faithful, loyal. All of those things are easy when the husband is his "normal" self, but as soon as his demons start to show, my heart and brain wonder to a happier place. It's not right, it's not what I want, but that is what's happening. It's hard to not let my mind go. When I'm lonely and feel unwanted, I can't blame myself for thinking of happier moments. Not all of them involve my unfaithfulness, but most do. I have so many wonderful moments to think of with the husband, but along with those come the crushing reality that he will never be stable, that every happy moment will ultimately end in equally sad and lonely ones.
I think of D often, and of the things he had said he's looking for. Happiness, family, companionship, and love. All things that everyone wants, all things that should easily come together. He has none of them, and I outwardly have them all. Inside, truthfully, I have only pieces of each. Each of these things are put together like a puzzle, each needing all of their pieces to provide the ultimate prize. Each of my puzzles are missing pieces; some, are missing more then one. It's hard to make sense of all this and try to settle myself into thinking that no one has all of the right pieces. I just want my puzzle to be more complete, even if all the corners don't completely line up or some of the picture is missing. Most of all, I want someone to envision and care for their puzzle as much as I do mine.
I think of D often, and of the things he had said he's looking for. Happiness, family, companionship, and love. All things that everyone wants, all things that should easily come together. He has none of them, and I outwardly have them all. Inside, truthfully, I have only pieces of each. Each of these things are put together like a puzzle, each needing all of their pieces to provide the ultimate prize. Each of my puzzles are missing pieces; some, are missing more then one. It's hard to make sense of all this and try to settle myself into thinking that no one has all of the right pieces. I just want my puzzle to be more complete, even if all the corners don't completely line up or some of the picture is missing. Most of all, I want someone to envision and care for their puzzle as much as I do mine.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Time
It seems as you get older you're faced with realities that were always part of life, but didn't seem to necessarily pertain to you. Death is something that has always seemed far away, out of arms reach, so far from today that it doesn't seem right to waste time thinking about. As people around me age and die, I've slowly started to realize that time has slowly changed me. Changed me from the youthful innocence that time is never ending, to the older harsher reality of limited time. It seems so odd to have passed from "young", onto something else. I'm not old enough to be considered "old", but I'm no longer young. I look at my children and I can remember being their age, doing the things they're doing. Seeing life again through their unjaded eyes makes me wish I would have appreciated that time more. Breathed each blissful moment in and held on to it longer, instead of foolishly thinking they'd last forever. If I could take back all of the times I thought "I'll do it later", "I'll see them next time", and tell myself to take advantage of the time given to me. I would have spent more time with the people I loved, more time in the places I loved. Now those people and places are gone, and my heart aches for them. The gentle smile from my grandparents, the way their house smelled of sweet summer breezes, the slow warm afternoons that gave way to beautiful summer evening talking around their kitchen table. It's painful.
How can we teach our children this important lesson? How do we keep them from making the same mistake? Is youth so iggnorant and blind? I guess I know that answer, I've lived that answer.
How can we teach our children this important lesson? How do we keep them from making the same mistake? Is youth so iggnorant and blind? I guess I know that answer, I've lived that answer.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Must be said...
Even though no one is out there reading any of my mind trash, I need to see myself write something. Meaning: I need to see it physically in black and white.
I am not a faithful person.
Well, I was a faithful person, for a long while. Romantically loyal and faithful, supportive to the end kind of person. That is, until cocaine and bipolar disorder entered my life. The husband and I had been married for a few years when I found out he had a severe cocaine addiction. In the span of a few months he stopped coming home for days, money was missing, valuables were gone, and a list of other "strange" behaviors were being displayed. When I found the cocaine in his wallet he denied it (of course), but it instantly all made sense to me. About a month after finding out, I came home from work one day sick, and found him packing all of his possessions and loading them into his truck. He was trying to move out without even telling me, my heart permanently broke that day. I found out two weeks later he had moved in with a woman he worked with, but he refused to admit he was romantically involved with her. I tried to find happiness and support in my friends, some were very loving and kind, other, well, they refused to be around me at all. A few weeks passed and I began to realize I would indeed make it, I was surviving and I was starting to thrive. When he left he took his love, but also the burden of caring for and worrying about him. I felt free for the first time I could ever remember. Then, he called. One afternoon at work he called me and asked if I loved him. I fell to pieces all over again. He asked me to have dinner with him, and I did. He came home that night; he looked awful, sounded awful and just seemed miserable. When we went to his apartment to get his things, all of his clothes were in the bedroom (the only bedroom). At the time I didn't say anything, I was relieved to have him back. In the back of my mind, I knew he was having a relationship with this woman.
Fast forward a few years. All of the pain of his betrayal boiled inside me. With no way to express my hurt and anger, I began to look outside of our marriage for happiness and revenge. Between the hurt of the past, and the bipolar, I'm trapped in a mangled mess of a marriage. In my fragmented and unfair view of reality, I look for happiness and love anywhere I can find it. It's not right, it's sinful, and I hate myself for it most of the time. But, when an outsiders smile lights the dark voids of my heart, it's almost impossible to resist.
I'm a religious person (obviously not a good one), but I beleive in God. I've confessed and prayed for help and guidance, but a concrete path is NOT clear.
I am not a faithful person.
Well, I was a faithful person, for a long while. Romantically loyal and faithful, supportive to the end kind of person. That is, until cocaine and bipolar disorder entered my life. The husband and I had been married for a few years when I found out he had a severe cocaine addiction. In the span of a few months he stopped coming home for days, money was missing, valuables were gone, and a list of other "strange" behaviors were being displayed. When I found the cocaine in his wallet he denied it (of course), but it instantly all made sense to me. About a month after finding out, I came home from work one day sick, and found him packing all of his possessions and loading them into his truck. He was trying to move out without even telling me, my heart permanently broke that day. I found out two weeks later he had moved in with a woman he worked with, but he refused to admit he was romantically involved with her. I tried to find happiness and support in my friends, some were very loving and kind, other, well, they refused to be around me at all. A few weeks passed and I began to realize I would indeed make it, I was surviving and I was starting to thrive. When he left he took his love, but also the burden of caring for and worrying about him. I felt free for the first time I could ever remember. Then, he called. One afternoon at work he called me and asked if I loved him. I fell to pieces all over again. He asked me to have dinner with him, and I did. He came home that night; he looked awful, sounded awful and just seemed miserable. When we went to his apartment to get his things, all of his clothes were in the bedroom (the only bedroom). At the time I didn't say anything, I was relieved to have him back. In the back of my mind, I knew he was having a relationship with this woman.
Fast forward a few years. All of the pain of his betrayal boiled inside me. With no way to express my hurt and anger, I began to look outside of our marriage for happiness and revenge. Between the hurt of the past, and the bipolar, I'm trapped in a mangled mess of a marriage. In my fragmented and unfair view of reality, I look for happiness and love anywhere I can find it. It's not right, it's sinful, and I hate myself for it most of the time. But, when an outsiders smile lights the dark voids of my heart, it's almost impossible to resist.
I'm a religious person (obviously not a good one), but I beleive in God. I've confessed and prayed for help and guidance, but a concrete path is NOT clear.
Torn pt. 1
My mind is in a constant state of change. One day I'm content, the next, restless and anxious.
Today, I'm restless. Today, all I can think of is someone I shouldn't allow to enter my head. I feel guilty, foolish and stupid. It's been over a month since I touched him, smelled him, held him. Before that, the sixteen year absence seems nonexistent. The warmth and happiness that came from our faces that night are unforgettable. The desperate want to be loved and touched was everywhere, all around and in us. I can't remember why or how I leaned in to him, only the sparks that lit the dark hidden parts of my heart. The parts I've hidden away, the few pieces I've managed to save, they now long and ache for him. Watching the road ahead, knowing at the end of it, the same shell I've hidden in is waiting for me. In that moment, when I allowed the hatred to enter again, he put his hand gently on my head, stroked my hair, and smiled with those infectious lips. The cold dark lonely places within me came alive, every possible crevice was lit and in love with life again. His hand felt like pure bliss; unjaded and untainted by life's cruelness.
Today, I'm restless. Today, all I can think of is someone I shouldn't allow to enter my head. I feel guilty, foolish and stupid. It's been over a month since I touched him, smelled him, held him. Before that, the sixteen year absence seems nonexistent. The warmth and happiness that came from our faces that night are unforgettable. The desperate want to be loved and touched was everywhere, all around and in us. I can't remember why or how I leaned in to him, only the sparks that lit the dark hidden parts of my heart. The parts I've hidden away, the few pieces I've managed to save, they now long and ache for him. Watching the road ahead, knowing at the end of it, the same shell I've hidden in is waiting for me. In that moment, when I allowed the hatred to enter again, he put his hand gently on my head, stroked my hair, and smiled with those infectious lips. The cold dark lonely places within me came alive, every possible crevice was lit and in love with life again. His hand felt like pure bliss; unjaded and untainted by life's cruelness.
Putting my toe in another pool
hummm, where to begin...
I had a crush in high school, a huge crush actually on a guy in my Junior and Senior years. I sat next to him in classes and I drove him to and from school. We were very good friends, but nothing ever came of it. I went to see him a few weeks before I got married, I knew at the time that the husband wasn't going to be an easy road, and I had hoped he would have stopped me. But, he didn't.
Fast forward 16 years. One afternoon on fb I was chatting with a friend about plans for the night. Up pops a chat window from this old friend. I'd friended him on fb months ago, but never had a conversation other then hi, how are you. I knew he had recently broken up with his girlfriend from the posts on his wall. Anyway, the message sent was asking me what I was doing and what I was doing that evening. After a short chat, I had agreed to pick him up at his house and he could come out with my friend and I.
I was nervous to see him after so long. He looked exactly as I'd remembered him; handsome, strong and still possessed a smile that could instantly melt my heart.
I had a crush in high school, a huge crush actually on a guy in my Junior and Senior years. I sat next to him in classes and I drove him to and from school. We were very good friends, but nothing ever came of it. I went to see him a few weeks before I got married, I knew at the time that the husband wasn't going to be an easy road, and I had hoped he would have stopped me. But, he didn't.
Fast forward 16 years. One afternoon on fb I was chatting with a friend about plans for the night. Up pops a chat window from this old friend. I'd friended him on fb months ago, but never had a conversation other then hi, how are you. I knew he had recently broken up with his girlfriend from the posts on his wall. Anyway, the message sent was asking me what I was doing and what I was doing that evening. After a short chat, I had agreed to pick him up at his house and he could come out with my friend and I.
I was nervous to see him after so long. He looked exactly as I'd remembered him; handsome, strong and still possessed a smile that could instantly melt my heart.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Same old story
My life is like the movie Groundhog Day. Always the same series of events: calm, angry, episode, depressed; repeat endlessly. My life is so determined by the mood of my husband that I don't even feel like I exist anymore. I feel forgotten and overlooked. The never ending cycles have made it difficult to even confide in family or friends. I'm sick of living it, but I'm sure they're also sick and tired of hearing about it from me. It seems like I've been slowly distancing myself from people, shutting them out. It's so much easier to lie and say that things are fine and normal. That's truly what they want to hear anyway, and I don't blame them, that's what I want to be living. I hate myself more and more as the days turn into months and years and I'm still in the same situation. Nothing ever changes, other then just getting worse. I look at my children and feel horrible hatred for myself for the childhood they are experiencing. If I take them and leave (not that I even have a place to go) I will not have enough money to care for them, and staying where I am, well, that really is the only choice I have. I try to find stolen moments to let my heart feel their joy, laying in bed before they fall asleep and listening to their stories and their thoughts, watching them play with their friends, listening to them laugh together and play. Shielding them from the truth is getting to be almost impossible, my son is old enough to notice his fathers mood swings, and my daughter has a strange way of knowing when her father's about to get angry. I thank God for the strength that keeps me calm in 99% of these angry times, I have learned to swallow the hatred and leave the pain for God to handle. I truly hope that my children know how much I love them, and how much I try to protect them. I also thank God that his hatred is only directed at me, and I hope that my children listen to me when I explain that is not how a father should be.
My children attends a very nice school, and at this school I have meant a few parents that seem to be very nice. One set in particular, seem to be very pleasant and seem to want to be better friends. They've invited us to their home and to various activities. Sadly I cannot bring myself to accept this friendship, I am too afraid they may someday find out about my husband. I don't want my sons friends to ever know what his father is like (none have ever been to the house from school). The only friends we have are lifelong, and have know my husband and I since childhood. I guess knowing us this long has made his condition easier for them to accept, since none of them have walked away from us. I'm very sad that I can't embrace this new friendship, it's painful to have to keep my heart so tightly closed.
Lord, if you can hear me, please, please help me
My children attends a very nice school, and at this school I have meant a few parents that seem to be very nice. One set in particular, seem to be very pleasant and seem to want to be better friends. They've invited us to their home and to various activities. Sadly I cannot bring myself to accept this friendship, I am too afraid they may someday find out about my husband. I don't want my sons friends to ever know what his father is like (none have ever been to the house from school). The only friends we have are lifelong, and have know my husband and I since childhood. I guess knowing us this long has made his condition easier for them to accept, since none of them have walked away from us. I'm very sad that I can't embrace this new friendship, it's painful to have to keep my heart so tightly closed.
Lord, if you can hear me, please, please help me
Monday, April 4, 2011
Trapped
No other way to describe what I am, trapped. Trapped by money, loyalties, values; completely trapped. Being the wife of a bipolar man is getting to be unbearable. I want out, I want to run away and never come back. I've recently for the first time let those words leave my lips, it felt good and painful. The effort involved to maintain the image of a "good happy family" is killing me, slowly. I'm suffering, my kids are suffering, and I'm slowly loosing all respect for myself. I hate myself for staying, I hate myself for wanting to leave, I hate myself for having no way to keep my home by myself. If only I had an escape, a way to get out, somewhere to go, but, I have none of these things. I'm trapped. Just getting these words out is opening all the doors I've shut in my heart and mind, it's making me physically shake. Whenever he does something, I've taken on the motto of my dad (who was also stuck in a terrible marriage to my mother until he had a nervous breakdown), "if you can do nothing about it, let it go". Only I don't seem to let it go, I swallow it, like some horrible poison and it is eating me alive. I keep it buried so I don't have to deal with it, but it's so close to the surface sometimes that I can't control it. Sometimes I can't remain quiet, sometimes I react. When that happens, it's frightening. The things he's done to me, the things my kids have seen him do to me, none of it is right. I daydream about asking for help, but in reality, I have no one to ask. I have no one to be 100% honest with. No one knows the extent of the situation, if they did I'm worried they'd hate me for tolerating it. I am tired, I've lost all hope for happiness, all hope for myself.
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