Fear

A lifetime ago you walked away
unannounced and sudden
the crack you left behind
deep, wide and raw

reemerged, reappeared, replayed
hope, faith and love
all tried again
restored but not forgotten or healed

years of smiles and cries
build up and conceal the void
still as raw and sore
as that day a life time ago

fear seeps through drip by drip
a constant reminder of goodbye
hope, faith and love
never enough to seal the holes

Lunch

Had lunch with D yesterday. It was wonderful. And, I feel guilty. It was just lunch, nothing inappropriate, but it was SO good to see him. He looked nice! I was very nervous and I could tell he was too. We've not seen each other since August, since the "incident". I've missed him.

The husband has been very normal lately, and I feel guilty for seeing D. D's made it clear that an intimate relationship isn't acceptable, but that being friends would be nice. I'm okay with this, and honestly it's the most moral choice. BUT, I do long for his attention and his want. I know how wrong it is, but to have someone want to be with me is nice. The husband really shows no signs of interest or affection, and I miss that feeling.

Quiet

Life has been surprisingly quiet in the last few weeks. The husband has been in an awesome mood. I've not seem him like this since before our son was born almost ten years ago. It has been HEAVEN! We're done a lot of family things, done a lot around the house, and just basically enjoyed being together. He's not been on any meds, so I can't figure out what has caused this shift in behavior. Regardless of why or how, I'm SO glad he's been this way.

On the other side, I've not been doing so well with this change. While I'm incredibly happy, I just keep waiting for the "old" him to come back. It seems like I've been holding my breath for weeks and once I let it out, all of these emotions and fears have started to surface. I've had a few panic attacks, have experienced nightmares on a regular basis, and find myself very teary at the silliest of things. I'm no doctor, but my guess is that holding so many things in and constantly being on guard for the better part of the last ten years has left me not knowing how to deal with a calm existence.

I can only hope that his calm mood continues and that after a while my mind will also calm down and we can try to live a "real" happy family life. Oh what a wonderful thought that is, I truly hope it comes true!!

Faith

As I've said before I am a religious person, but I don't feel that I'm a very good one. I believe in God, and pray to God, but in my heart I fear that God hates me. At Mass I listen to Preist talk about God's love and the forgiveness of sins, but I've never been able to feel that applies to me. I'm a repeat sinner, which I think is the worst kind. I sin, feel really bad about it, pray and ask for forgiveness, but then I do it again. What is wrong with me? Why can't I seem to learn from my mistakes? I so badly want to be a better person, I want to make the "right" decisions. My heart seems to hold so much hatred and pain, I doubt God could heal it if he wanted to. I've swallowed so many painful feeling and crushing heartbreak that it's burned holes in my heart. Not having the ability to deal with past feeling and knowing the husband refuses to talk through them, makes my hurt a constant presence. Deep down I truly believe that if he would just openly apologize for the things he's done I could forgive him and hopefully let my heart heal, but he's made it clear that this will never happen. I can only assume that this pain is what leads to my sinfulness, I feel a deep uncontrollable need to secretly hurt him back. Every time I sin against him, I feel a satisfying sense of revenge. I know whole heartily that this is NOT how God wants me to be, and I feel very guilty for it.

At Mass I usually feel like a fraud; like I don't belong. A huge part of me wants to throw myself upon the alter and cry and beg for God to take this pain in my heart away. Sitting in the pew I always feel a huge sense of warmth, I know God is present there, and it's such a comfort. I pray that God would allow me to absorb this warmth and keep it with me always, but it never lasts. I know none of this will change until I can change, but i have no idea how to do it.

Torn pt. 2

I heard from him today, now he's back to the front of my mind. It's taken me weeks to get him to the back, and now, all that work was for nothing. As time passes the immediate lights that were on have dimmed, some have faded completely. I've tried to tell myself to love who I promised to, be faithful, loyal. All of those things are easy when the husband is his "normal" self, but as soon as his demons start to show, my heart and brain wonder to a happier place. It's not right, it's not what I want, but that is what's happening. It's hard to not let my mind go. When I'm lonely and feel unwanted, I can't blame myself for thinking of happier moments. Not all of them involve my unfaithfulness, but most do. I have so many wonderful moments to think of with the husband, but along with those come the crushing reality that he will never be stable, that every happy moment will ultimately end in equally sad and lonely ones.

I think of D often, and of the things he had said he's looking for. Happiness, family, companionship, and love. All things that everyone wants, all things that should easily come together. He has none of them, and I outwardly have them all. Inside, truthfully, I have only pieces of each. Each of these things are put together like a puzzle, each needing all of their pieces to provide the ultimate prize. Each of my puzzles are missing pieces; some, are missing more then one. It's hard to make sense of all this and try to settle myself into thinking that no one has all of the right pieces. I just want my puzzle to be more complete, even if all the corners don't completely line up or some of the picture is missing. Most of all, I want someone to envision and care for their puzzle as much as I do mine.

Time

It seems as you get older you're faced with realities that were always part of life, but didn't seem to necessarily pertain to you. Death is something that has always seemed far away, out of arms reach, so far from today that it doesn't seem right to waste time thinking about. As people around me age and die, I've slowly started to realize that time has slowly changed me. Changed me from the youthful innocence that time is never ending, to the older harsher reality of limited time. It seems so odd to have passed from "young", onto something else. I'm not old enough to be considered "old", but I'm no longer young. I look at my children and I can remember being their age, doing the things they're doing. Seeing life again through their unjaded eyes makes me wish I would have appreciated that time more. Breathed each blissful moment in and held on to it longer, instead of foolishly thinking they'd last forever. If I could take back all of the times I thought "I'll do it later", "I'll see them next time", and tell myself to take advantage of the time given to me. I would have spent more time with the people I loved, more time in the places I loved. Now those people and places are gone, and my heart aches for them. The gentle smile from my grandparents, the way their house smelled of sweet summer breezes, the slow warm afternoons that gave way to beautiful summer evening talking around their kitchen table. It's painful.

How can we teach our children this important lesson? How do we keep them from making the same mistake? Is youth so iggnorant and blind? I guess I know that answer, I've lived that answer.

Must be said...

Even though no one is out there reading any of my mind trash, I need to see myself write something. Meaning: I need to see it physically in black and white.

I am not a faithful person.

Well, I was a faithful person, for a long while. Romantically loyal and faithful, supportive to the end kind of person. That is, until cocaine and bipolar disorder entered my life. The husband and I had been married for a few years when I  found out he had a severe cocaine addiction. In the span of a few months he stopped coming home for days, money was missing, valuables were gone, and a list of other "strange" behaviors were being displayed. When I found the cocaine in his wallet he denied it (of course), but it instantly all made sense to me. About a month after finding out, I came home from work one day sick, and found him packing all of his possessions and loading them into his truck. He was trying to move out without even telling me, my heart permanently broke that day. I found out two weeks later he had moved in with a woman he worked with, but he refused to admit he was romantically involved with her. I tried to find happiness and support in my friends, some were very loving and kind, other, well, they refused to be around me at all. A few weeks passed and I began to realize I would indeed make it, I was surviving and I was starting to thrive. When he left he took his love, but also the burden of caring for and worrying about him. I felt free for the first time I could ever remember. Then, he called. One afternoon at work he called me and asked if I loved him. I fell to pieces all over again. He asked me to have dinner with him, and I did. He came home that night; he looked awful, sounded awful and just seemed miserable. When we went to his apartment to get his things, all of his clothes were in the bedroom (the only bedroom). At the time I didn't say anything, I was relieved to have him back. In the back of my mind, I knew he was having a relationship with this woman.

Fast forward a few years. All of the pain of his betrayal boiled inside me. With no way to express my hurt and anger, I began to look outside of our marriage for happiness and revenge. Between the hurt of the past, and the bipolar, I'm trapped in a mangled mess of a marriage. In my fragmented and unfair view of reality, I look for happiness and love anywhere I can find it. It's not right, it's sinful, and I hate myself for it most of the time. But, when an outsiders smile lights the dark voids of my heart, it's almost impossible to resist.

I'm a religious person (obviously not a good one), but I beleive in God. I've confessed and prayed for help and guidance, but a concrete path is NOT clear.