Never enough

The years of praying and hoping for a better life have finally paid off. I have all the things I've prayed for. The husband has become the man that I knew he could, if he were to concur his bi polar demons. I have not however found the peace I though would accompany this change. I am so restless and deeply unsettled. I am constantly looking for other people's support and attention. I've prayed to find a way to believe that his love and attention are true and that I could somehow learn to trust it again. Sadly this has not happened. Realizing that it's fear that is stopping this from happening is very difficult. I do not know how to concur this, how to deal with this. I keep looking outside of my marriage for reassurance. Assurance that I'm alive, that I can feel something that's not been beaten and bruised. I need something pure. I can't find it. It's so sad to realize that the time I've invested to fix my marriage has done nothing but waste time. Apparently I can not be fixed, my heart can not heal what has happened to it. I thought time would eventually show me some relief, some sign of hope. All I've found is a clearer picture of my wounded self; broken, unfixable, and unwanted. My heart cries out for a man to love me, for a man that hasn't beaten me to submission. I want a friend, a lover, a companion, someone to TRUST. Maybe if I keep pouring my heart out to God he'll show me a way to that man?? I hope for this, but it goes against everything that is God. I promised to love the man I married, to stand by him. Maybe God will heal my heart, or maybe he'll realize that I've tried, and I've failed. Failed miserably!!

Lord, I want to love him and to trust him. Looking at him only reminds me of the scars, the weight I carry, and my own failures. Please help me to see love and trust again, to feel happy and satisfied. I beg you lord, help me.

Fear

A lifetime ago you walked away
unannounced and sudden
the crack you left behind
deep, wide and raw

reemerged, reappeared, replayed
hope, faith and love
all tried again
restored but not forgotten or healed

years of smiles and cries
build up and conceal the void
still as raw and sore
as that day a life time ago

fear seeps through drip by drip
a constant reminder of goodbye
hope, faith and love
never enough to seal the holes

Lunch

Had lunch with D yesterday. It was wonderful. And, I feel guilty. It was just lunch, nothing inappropriate, but it was SO good to see him. He looked nice! I was very nervous and I could tell he was too. We've not seen each other since August, since the "incident". I've missed him.

The husband has been very normal lately, and I feel guilty for seeing D. D's made it clear that an intimate relationship isn't acceptable, but that being friends would be nice. I'm okay with this, and honestly it's the most moral choice. BUT, I do long for his attention and his want. I know how wrong it is, but to have someone want to be with me is nice. The husband really shows no signs of interest or affection, and I miss that feeling.

Quiet

Life has been surprisingly quiet in the last few weeks. The husband has been in an awesome mood. I've not seem him like this since before our son was born almost ten years ago. It has been HEAVEN! We're done a lot of family things, done a lot around the house, and just basically enjoyed being together. He's not been on any meds, so I can't figure out what has caused this shift in behavior. Regardless of why or how, I'm SO glad he's been this way.

On the other side, I've not been doing so well with this change. While I'm incredibly happy, I just keep waiting for the "old" him to come back. It seems like I've been holding my breath for weeks and once I let it out, all of these emotions and fears have started to surface. I've had a few panic attacks, have experienced nightmares on a regular basis, and find myself very teary at the silliest of things. I'm no doctor, but my guess is that holding so many things in and constantly being on guard for the better part of the last ten years has left me not knowing how to deal with a calm existence.

I can only hope that his calm mood continues and that after a while my mind will also calm down and we can try to live a "real" happy family life. Oh what a wonderful thought that is, I truly hope it comes true!!

Faith

As I've said before I am a religious person, but I don't feel that I'm a very good one. I believe in God, and pray to God, but in my heart I fear that God hates me. At Mass I listen to Preist talk about God's love and the forgiveness of sins, but I've never been able to feel that applies to me. I'm a repeat sinner, which I think is the worst kind. I sin, feel really bad about it, pray and ask for forgiveness, but then I do it again. What is wrong with me? Why can't I seem to learn from my mistakes? I so badly want to be a better person, I want to make the "right" decisions. My heart seems to hold so much hatred and pain, I doubt God could heal it if he wanted to. I've swallowed so many painful feeling and crushing heartbreak that it's burned holes in my heart. Not having the ability to deal with past feeling and knowing the husband refuses to talk through them, makes my hurt a constant presence. Deep down I truly believe that if he would just openly apologize for the things he's done I could forgive him and hopefully let my heart heal, but he's made it clear that this will never happen. I can only assume that this pain is what leads to my sinfulness, I feel a deep uncontrollable need to secretly hurt him back. Every time I sin against him, I feel a satisfying sense of revenge. I know whole heartily that this is NOT how God wants me to be, and I feel very guilty for it.

At Mass I usually feel like a fraud; like I don't belong. A huge part of me wants to throw myself upon the alter and cry and beg for God to take this pain in my heart away. Sitting in the pew I always feel a huge sense of warmth, I know God is present there, and it's such a comfort. I pray that God would allow me to absorb this warmth and keep it with me always, but it never lasts. I know none of this will change until I can change, but i have no idea how to do it.

Torn pt. 2

I heard from him today, now he's back to the front of my mind. It's taken me weeks to get him to the back, and now, all that work was for nothing. As time passes the immediate lights that were on have dimmed, some have faded completely. I've tried to tell myself to love who I promised to, be faithful, loyal. All of those things are easy when the husband is his "normal" self, but as soon as his demons start to show, my heart and brain wonder to a happier place. It's not right, it's not what I want, but that is what's happening. It's hard to not let my mind go. When I'm lonely and feel unwanted, I can't blame myself for thinking of happier moments. Not all of them involve my unfaithfulness, but most do. I have so many wonderful moments to think of with the husband, but along with those come the crushing reality that he will never be stable, that every happy moment will ultimately end in equally sad and lonely ones.

I think of D often, and of the things he had said he's looking for. Happiness, family, companionship, and love. All things that everyone wants, all things that should easily come together. He has none of them, and I outwardly have them all. Inside, truthfully, I have only pieces of each. Each of these things are put together like a puzzle, each needing all of their pieces to provide the ultimate prize. Each of my puzzles are missing pieces; some, are missing more then one. It's hard to make sense of all this and try to settle myself into thinking that no one has all of the right pieces. I just want my puzzle to be more complete, even if all the corners don't completely line up or some of the picture is missing. Most of all, I want someone to envision and care for their puzzle as much as I do mine.

Time

It seems as you get older you're faced with realities that were always part of life, but didn't seem to necessarily pertain to you. Death is something that has always seemed far away, out of arms reach, so far from today that it doesn't seem right to waste time thinking about. As people around me age and die, I've slowly started to realize that time has slowly changed me. Changed me from the youthful innocence that time is never ending, to the older harsher reality of limited time. It seems so odd to have passed from "young", onto something else. I'm not old enough to be considered "old", but I'm no longer young. I look at my children and I can remember being their age, doing the things they're doing. Seeing life again through their unjaded eyes makes me wish I would have appreciated that time more. Breathed each blissful moment in and held on to it longer, instead of foolishly thinking they'd last forever. If I could take back all of the times I thought "I'll do it later", "I'll see them next time", and tell myself to take advantage of the time given to me. I would have spent more time with the people I loved, more time in the places I loved. Now those people and places are gone, and my heart aches for them. The gentle smile from my grandparents, the way their house smelled of sweet summer breezes, the slow warm afternoons that gave way to beautiful summer evening talking around their kitchen table. It's painful.

How can we teach our children this important lesson? How do we keep them from making the same mistake? Is youth so iggnorant and blind? I guess I know that answer, I've lived that answer.

Must be said...

Even though no one is out there reading any of my mind trash, I need to see myself write something. Meaning: I need to see it physically in black and white.

I am not a faithful person.

Well, I was a faithful person, for a long while. Romantically loyal and faithful, supportive to the end kind of person. That is, until cocaine and bipolar disorder entered my life. The husband and I had been married for a few years when I  found out he had a severe cocaine addiction. In the span of a few months he stopped coming home for days, money was missing, valuables were gone, and a list of other "strange" behaviors were being displayed. When I found the cocaine in his wallet he denied it (of course), but it instantly all made sense to me. About a month after finding out, I came home from work one day sick, and found him packing all of his possessions and loading them into his truck. He was trying to move out without even telling me, my heart permanently broke that day. I found out two weeks later he had moved in with a woman he worked with, but he refused to admit he was romantically involved with her. I tried to find happiness and support in my friends, some were very loving and kind, other, well, they refused to be around me at all. A few weeks passed and I began to realize I would indeed make it, I was surviving and I was starting to thrive. When he left he took his love, but also the burden of caring for and worrying about him. I felt free for the first time I could ever remember. Then, he called. One afternoon at work he called me and asked if I loved him. I fell to pieces all over again. He asked me to have dinner with him, and I did. He came home that night; he looked awful, sounded awful and just seemed miserable. When we went to his apartment to get his things, all of his clothes were in the bedroom (the only bedroom). At the time I didn't say anything, I was relieved to have him back. In the back of my mind, I knew he was having a relationship with this woman.

Fast forward a few years. All of the pain of his betrayal boiled inside me. With no way to express my hurt and anger, I began to look outside of our marriage for happiness and revenge. Between the hurt of the past, and the bipolar, I'm trapped in a mangled mess of a marriage. In my fragmented and unfair view of reality, I look for happiness and love anywhere I can find it. It's not right, it's sinful, and I hate myself for it most of the time. But, when an outsiders smile lights the dark voids of my heart, it's almost impossible to resist.

I'm a religious person (obviously not a good one), but I beleive in God. I've confessed and prayed for help and guidance, but a concrete path is NOT clear.

Torn pt. 1

My mind is in a constant state of change. One day I'm content, the next, restless and anxious.

Today, I'm restless. Today, all I can think of is someone I shouldn't allow to enter my head. I feel guilty, foolish and stupid. It's been over a month since I touched him, smelled him, held him. Before that, the sixteen year absence seems nonexistent. The warmth and happiness that came from our faces that night are unforgettable. The desperate want to be loved and touched was everywhere, all around and in us. I can't remember why or how I leaned in to him, only the sparks that lit the dark hidden parts of my heart. The parts I've hidden away, the few pieces I've managed to save, they now long and ache for him. Watching the road ahead, knowing at the end of it, the same shell I've hidden in is waiting for me. In that moment, when I allowed the hatred to enter again, he put his hand gently on my head, stroked my hair, and smiled with those infectious lips. The cold dark lonely places within me came alive, every possible crevice was lit and in love with life again. His hand felt like pure bliss; unjaded and untainted by life's cruelness.

Putting my toe in another pool

hummm, where to begin...

I had a crush in high school, a huge crush actually on a guy in my Junior and Senior years. I sat next to him in classes and I drove him to and from school. We were very good friends, but nothing ever came of it. I went to see him a few weeks before I got married, I knew at the time that the husband wasn't going to be an easy road, and I had hoped he would have stopped me. But, he didn't.

Fast forward 16 years. One afternoon on fb I was chatting with a friend about plans for the night. Up pops a chat window from this old friend. I'd friended him on fb months ago, but never had a conversation other then hi, how are you. I knew he had recently broken up with his girlfriend from the posts on his wall. Anyway, the message sent was asking me what I was doing and what I was doing that evening. After a short chat, I had agreed to pick him up at his house and he could come out with my friend and I.

I was nervous to see him after so long. He looked exactly as I'd remembered him; handsome, strong and still possessed a smile that could instantly melt my heart.

Same old story

My life is like the movie Groundhog Day. Always the same series of events: calm, angry, episode, depressed; repeat endlessly. My life is so determined by the mood of my husband that I don't even feel like I exist anymore. I feel forgotten and overlooked. The never ending cycles have made it difficult to even confide in family or friends. I'm sick of living it, but I'm sure they're also sick and tired of hearing about it from me. It seems like I've been slowly distancing myself from people, shutting them out. It's so much easier to lie and say that things are fine and normal. That's truly what they want to hear anyway, and I don't blame them, that's what I want to be living. I hate myself more and more as the days turn into months and years and I'm still in the same situation. Nothing ever changes, other then just getting worse. I look at my children and feel horrible hatred for myself for the childhood they are experiencing. If I take them and leave (not that I even have a place to go) I will not have enough money to care for them, and staying where I am, well, that really is the only choice I have. I try to find stolen moments to let my heart feel their joy, laying in bed before they fall asleep and listening to their stories and their thoughts, watching them play with their friends, listening to them laugh together and play. Shielding them from the truth is getting to be almost impossible, my son is old enough to notice his fathers mood swings, and my daughter has a strange way of knowing when her father's about to get angry. I thank God for the strength that keeps me calm in 99% of these angry times, I have learned to swallow the hatred and leave the pain for God to handle. I truly hope that my children know how much I love them, and how much I try to protect them. I also thank God that his hatred is only directed at me, and I hope that my children listen to me when I explain that is not how a father should be.

My children attends a very nice school, and at this school I have meant a few parents that seem to be very nice. One set in particular, seem to be very pleasant and seem to want to be better friends. They've invited us to their home and to various activities. Sadly I cannot bring myself to accept this friendship, I am too afraid they may someday find out about my husband. I don't want my sons friends to ever know what his father is like (none have ever been to the house from school). The only friends we have are lifelong, and have know my husband and I since childhood. I guess knowing us this long has made his condition easier for them to accept, since none of them have walked away from us. I'm very sad that I can't embrace this new friendship, it's painful to have to keep my heart so tightly closed.

Lord, if you can hear me, please, please help me

Trapped

No other way to describe what I am, trapped. Trapped by money, loyalties, values; completely trapped. Being the wife of a bipolar man is getting to be unbearable. I want out, I want to run away and never come back. I've recently for the first time let those words leave my lips, it felt good and painful. The effort involved to maintain the image of a "good happy family" is killing me, slowly. I'm suffering, my kids are suffering, and I'm slowly loosing all respect for myself. I hate myself for staying, I hate myself for wanting to leave, I hate myself for having no way to keep my home by myself. If only I had an escape, a way to get out, somewhere to go, but, I have none of these things. I'm trapped. Just getting these words out is opening all the doors I've shut in my heart and mind, it's making me physically shake. Whenever he does something, I've taken on the motto of my dad (who was also stuck in a terrible marriage to my mother until he had a nervous breakdown), "if you can do nothing about it, let it go". Only I don't seem to let it go, I swallow it, like some horrible poison and it is eating me alive. I keep it buried so I don't have to deal with it, but it's so close to the surface sometimes that I can't control it. Sometimes I can't remain quiet, sometimes I react. When that happens, it's frightening. The things he's done to me, the things my kids have seen him do to me, none of it is right. I daydream about asking for help, but in reality, I have no one to ask. I have no one to be 100% honest with. No one knows the extent of the situation, if they did I'm worried they'd hate me for tolerating it. I am tired, I've lost all hope for happiness, all hope for myself.

"Friends"

Having no emotional support at home has lead me to look elsewhere for emotional companionship. I have a friend that I've know since I was about twelve and I still speak to him often. When I married the husband, I wondered if this friend and I would still have the relationship we'd always had. Open, 100% honest, and above all kind. Having a bipolar husband has been a lonely road at times. Knowing that I can't share my honest opinions, hopes, and fears is a sad reality. I'm always guarded with the husband, I have to always be sure to keep my opinions even and my outward behavior calm. Inside, I'm usually screaming or crying. Throughout the past 20 years of dating/marriage with the husband, my friend has been the rock that I cry on, the voice of reason in my cluttered head. He's the person to comfort me when the crushing weight of yet another episode has ruined my world. He picks me up, brushes me off, and listens to my endless and repetitive cries and worries. Lately I've not been talking to my friend very often, I've tried to not rely on him so much. He's recently gotten engaged, and while I'm happy for him, I fear my rock will be leaving. I'm not sure how things between us will evolve once he's been married. His future wife doesn't know I exist (it's VERY complicated), so the little time we spend together will be even more restricted.

I can't help but wish I were married to him. While I love the husband with my entire heart, I want someone to be 100% myself with. The only person in my world that has given this to me is my friend. I love him too, but in a very different, unguarded way. He's never hurt me, never lied to me, never given me a reason to be "fake". The choices made at times seem so simple, but after years of reflection, were very poor decisions indeed!

Daily whatever

Not sure what to write about, so much beating around in my brain. Life with the husband has been relatively quiet. Thank You God! I think I'm slowly learning to deal with his condition better. Finally realizing that it's not me he's angry or aggravated at has helped. Learning to not take his silence or moodiness personally has helped too. I'm a very serious person by nature, so learning to be lighter and let things slid off my back has been hard.

Life has been crazy, having two school age children and a bipolar husband is challenging at times. My son has has a hard time concentraiting and getting homework done in a timely manner often creates problems. The husband doesn't always deal with this nightly ritual well. He sometimes get very aggravated and short tempered or will just add to the problem by playing video games and messing with the Internet while my son and I are trying to get the work done. This distracts my son and makes it harder on me to get him to pay attention. Then the husband gets angry when I ask him to turn the games off or the computer. UGH, I feel like I'm at constant odds with one of them. My poor sweet daughter is usually left to play with her toys and has learned it's better to stay out of the kitchen entirely during all of this.

MONEY, how I hate you!!

Money seems to be the source of so much stress and upset in our household. The husband is a spender, and I'm more of a saver (although, not a good one). We make a decent living, but we live paycheck to paycheck. While we do not have a large amount of debt, we do not have anything left to save or help pay down the debt we have.

The husband likes to spend on "little things". A new shirt, cigarettes, stops at convenience stores, but, these things add up quickly. The husband has been off his medicine for a few months now, and it has gone pretty well more or less. We need to have a serious discussion about his/our spending, but I'm afraid it may trigger an episode. Trying to find the "right" time to bring this up is difficult, trying to find the "right" words is also hard. I can never refer to anything in an accusatory tone or he instantly goes on the defensive. Not that this is all him, but it is about 80%. It's strange to me how intertwined money and his mental health are. If our money situation is okay, he's okay, if it's bad, he's really bad.

Lord, give me the strength and the words to make it through this. I have to find a way to have more control or everything will go to hell.

Back to the Deep end of the pool

Lately things have been slipping back to the not-so-good-side. The husband's mood changes are getting more and more frequent and now he's invited his "friend" to hang out at our house. (Short background of "the friend": he's been the husband's best friend for the last ten years of so, he's younger then my husband by about five years, he does not have a job, no car, and still lives at home with his parents. While he does have a good heart, he's not the best "friend" a bipolar person could have) The husband will go through phases with this "friend", he'll talk to him for a while, not talk to him for a while, downright dislike him, and then defend him if I say something negative about him. The husband always calls his friend right before a major manic episode starts, not sure why, but it seems to be a pattern. The two of them will watch weird movies and play video games and just quietly hang out, nothing dramatic, nothing eventful. I would just love to know the connection between this friend and the husband's approaching episodes. It makes me wonder if it's the husband's way of trying to fight off the episode, trying to calm down, relax even. I hate the thought of another episode, the fights it brings, all the tears and resentment that will follow. But, as usual, the change in seasons are approaching, which always guarantees an episode. I wish I could step inside his mind and read the book that makes him tick, maybe then I could figure out how to help him.

Little Things

I've always been a person to appreciate/notice little things, little gestures of kindness, little differences between two similar things. This past weekend my family was invited to the beach by some friends. I jumped at the change, grateful for good friends and the good times that would be had. The husband, not so much. He didn't want to deal with the traffic, the people, the kids nagging; everything that goes along with taking small children to the beach. Since he's been in an 80% normal mood, I thought we'd be fine and talked him into going. On the way a two hour drive turned into three and a half, the next evening we sat in an hours worth of traffic to get to the amusements, another half hour to find a restaurant and be seated, and another half hour of traffic back to the place we were staying. The husband could only focus on the little things, all the things that were going wrong or weren't perfect. As I looked around the table at dinner, four adults and five children total, all of us were laughing and smiling through the aggravation it took to get there, all of us but him. He sat with his head in his hands mad at the world. On the drive home, while I was thinking about my sons beaming face on a jet ski, my daughter giggling as she watched little bunnies running around, or my children playing with friends while I sat and talked to my own friends, he was rambling about all the things that drove him crazy about the weekend. It hurts my heart that he can't see the beautiful things, the good things, and understand that things are never perfect. I often wonder if my children can feel my heartbreak when he complains about such meaningless things. I pray that my children will learn to love the little things the way I do, and not succumb to the weight of all the none perfect little things.

If only the husband would take his meds, he loves the little things when he's medicated. He usually loves himself and all of us when he's medicated. I try so hard to understand how his mind works, but it never gets me anywhere.

To be complicated...

is so easy, to be normal, ugh, how I wish I knew how to do it. Being married to a man for so long that has the issues he has, has turned me into someone I don't recognize. I'm not even completely sure I feel things the way others do, the way "normals" do. After years of lies, affairs, complete mental breakdown, mental and physical fights, many highs and more lows than I can count, I AM EXHAUSTED! My daily thoughts consist of mapping out plans to escape, and dreading a future that looks the same as my past. My thoughts are twisted around loyalty, self preservation, the endless search for happiness, and most of all being a good mother. All of these things in my world can't be mixed together, like oil and water, I can't have them all. I'm left trying to figure it all out and still look and act "normal" from the outside.

None of this probably makes any sense, but I'm hoping by getting it out of my head and into words, my head will become clearer.

Hi...

Hello out there! I'm not really sure why I've chosen to start this blog. I've been a blog lurker for a long time and I'm hoping to find the support that I've seen on other blogs.

I'm thirty-something, been married to a Bipolar man for thirteen years, whom I've known for close to twenty years. We have two small children. My husband was diagnosed a little over three years ago, but has displayed symptoms since I've known him. Our life looks calm and "classic" from the outside, but on the inside, we are a MESS! Starting this blog is my way of tracking my own feelings, the ones that get lost in the effort to try to maintain the calm normality.

I'm not sure what I'll write about, or how often I'll write, but I am hoping this will offer some relief to my tired brain.